woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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