where am i from again
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
