My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
