here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
they're like a gay fantastic four
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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