a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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