Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
