i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
