do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
