woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
