Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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