Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My vagina just recognized that song.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
