I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
