At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
