she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
