your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Still dying that you shit outside
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
