i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
