What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
