So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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