just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
