threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she peed on how many people?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
