This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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