I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
