my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
