I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
