I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
