Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
