Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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