You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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