i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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