Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
