Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
