so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
soo... how was my night?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
