So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
