he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
