Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
