You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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