I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
