why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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