so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
she smelled like a LAN party
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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