DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
