Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
