I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
