you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
