Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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