I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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