The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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