i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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