I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
