i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
