Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Randomize
